Renewal

I've looked at this blog at least 100 times since April, and each time just don't feel inspired to write anything. It's probably because I've been so busy and stressed with real life that I just didn't want to stop and reflect on it. HOWEVER...

A couple things have happened in the past two weeks that are telling me that I NEED to stop and reflect...that I have some incredibly difficult days ahead and I will not have ANYONE to hold me up through the toughest times.

This newest challenge in my life feels so overwhelming, I can't even type the words. So, I'm going to just start typing anecdotes or whatever, to try to explain how I got here. Maybe that will help me to lead up to facing the reality of my life right now!

IF anyone is reading this, please note that I plan to type as the words flow and I am certain there will be typos, spelling errors, etc. But I am certain that if I start proofing, etc. I will stop writing and I don't want to do that.

I grew up in a suburb of Washington, DC. I've often said I can't imagine a better time and place to have been a kid...our community still had a small-town feel to it (although that was rapidly disappearing) while being less than 10 miles from a major City...a City where people moved in and out frequently...and from locations all over the world. Even though my parents never moved, the start of each school year guaranteed new kids from anywhere and everywhere....we had a lot of military brats at my schools!

I had the typicle all-American 1950-60's childhood. Father worked, mother full-time stay at home. Active in Sunday School, Girl Scouts, etc. Mine was somewhat atypicle because I had one sibling, a handicapped brother, and I was a lot more bookish than most of the kids in the neighborhood and suffered some ostracism and teasing as a result of both. HOWEVER, I was never without a circle of friends, either. M

My all-American sheltered suburban childhood did leave me a bit naive, right up until middle school (it was Intermediate School then) and even to the start of HS. But that wasn't such a bad thing in the early 60's! And it allowed me to avoid all kinds of distractions and focus on school work and just being a kid. A luxery for today's kids.

Anyway, why am I writing all this. I remember clearly one summer day, the summer I was 11 and between 5th & 6th grade. I was walking down the sidewalk in front of the next-door neighbors (the reason is long forgotten) when 3-4 motorcyclists stopped at the corner, turned and rode past me. I recognized one of them as a friend's older brother. I was absolutely shocked to see that he was in a "Motorcycle Gang." I never mentioned it to her--and probably anybody else--since I thought it was so sad that her brother had become a "JD" (Juvenile Delinquent).

Of course, he wasn't a JD. He was a clean-cut, all-American, boy-next-door, riding by on his Honda 90! And years later, I was to learn one of those other "hoodlums" was my future husband! My hubby's parents had refused to let him get a motorcycle, but his older brother had a motor scooter he gave him. He had spent many hours that summer working on that old scooter and finally getting it running so he could ride with his friends that I saw that day! We often get a good laugh at that, since I now know all four of those "hoodlums" and they are all middle-aged, married, etc!

I'm writing this because, technically, you could say I've know my hubby since I was 11! And even though, I really didn't meet him until I was a freshman in HS, and didn't start dating him for another 7 years after that...I do feel like I've known him my entire life. I cannot believe my good fortune in having shared over 40 years with him!

How do I speak

Like I didn't know. Another silly quiz.
Growing up in the DC area, I was exposed to every imaginable accent or idiom. The only thing that surprises med is that, having a Midwestern mother, I got 0 for that.

Your Linguistic Profile:

50% General American English

25% Dixie

25% Yankee

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Leaving on a jet plane

Yes, just like the old song, exactly 24 hours from now I'll be flying to FLA for a long weekend. This is the first real vacation I’ve had in 5 years. For over 3 years I used all my leave from work (and more) to take care of my parents. I took a couple long weekends to travel to drop off/pick up my DD at school and once my DH and I added a couple days while we were there, but that was it, other than taking care of my folks. When my dad died I had a negative balance of leave. When my mother died four months later, I had exactly one week. She died in the early am on a Tuesday, we buried her on a Friday and I was back to work on Monday. I took some time over Christmas, but didn’t get anything done around the house and really did nothing but sleep. I’m now at the maxes for both vacation and compensatory time, so

I’m leaving on a jet plane.

Of course it’s only for 5 days, but…..

I really thought that once my parents passed, with my kids grown or nearly grown, I’d have time to do all those things I’ve been wanting to do. BUT, that was when I got my new micromanaging, workaholic boss and started on a very important project at work, that has made it difficult to take off. I finally said what the heck! Of course I submitted my leave request in February and when I came into work on Monday, my boss was called out of town and had never authorized it. I went to another Director who laughed and said, of course. Of course…..of my own boss were here I’d be working until midnight tonight to get everything done. (That pretty much explains why it has been two months since I've posted anything) But she’s not here, so by this time tomorrow

I’m leaving on a jet plane.

Type A?

Two things I found on other blogs. First, one of those silly quizes, but, just like being a nerd or not, I've wondered how close to a Type A personality I come. According to this quiz, I not only come close but AM a Type A. While I'll admit without shame that I have been in the past, I've thought I've mellowed quite a bit with age.. and I've always valued my family before work, but apparently:

You Have A Type A Personality

A You are hyper, energetic, and always on the moodYou tend to succeed at everything you attemptAnd if you don't succeed at first, you quickly climb your way to the top! You could be called a workaholic, but you also make time for funAs long as it's high energy and competitive, you're interestedYou have the perfect personality for business and atheltic success

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

The second is some fun with names, etc. Of course, if anyone tried enough they might figure out more about me than I want floating around on the web but...

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME (Name of first pet/First street you lived on):
Tweety Westmoreland

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME (Name of your favorite snack food/Grandfather’s first name):

Chips Harry or Chips Ira :(

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME (First word you see on your left/Favorite restaurant): Ephrata Anthony

4. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS (Favorite Spice/Last Foreign Vacation Spot):

Soy Nassau

5. SOCIALITE ALIAS (Silliest Childhood Nickname/Town Where You First Partied):

Bugs Fredericksburg

6. "FLY Girl" ALIAS (a la J. Lo) (First Initial/First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name):

P. Kay

7. ICON ALIAS (Something Sweet Within Sight/Any Liquid in Your Kitchen):

Creamer Juice

8. DETECTIVE ALIAS (Favorite Baby Animal/Where You Went to High School):

Puppy Fairfax

9. BARFLY ALIAS (Last Snack Food You Ate/Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink):

Pretzel Marguerita

10. SOAP OPERA ALIAS (Middle Name/Street Where You Live):

Ann Millport.

11. ROCK STAR ALIAS (Favorite Candy/Last Name Of Favorite Musician):

Reeses King

Such are games. Great stress release in a very stressful office. Things have quieted down SIGNIFICANTLY since Jan 1, but nothing has changed. Just quieter. I've been overwhelmed with a couple activities but at least I haven't had late evenings that resulted in 15+ hour days. My comp time balance is down to less than 50 hours, but we're not allowed to carry more than 40. Each time I decide to take time, I get a new assignment or whatever and have to change plans. Had evening meetings EVERY night this week. Never intended to go to the Tuesday meeting but the three would be enough. Then my car wouldn't start in the single digit cold on Monday. I had planned to put it in the shop on Wed for a new battery (or at least that was my son's day off and he was going to do it for me). Between his school and work schedule I was lucky to get into work on Monday so I told him not to worry about it until Wed. He had class on Monday night so I got out of THAT meeting. So with only TWO evening meetings this week, I had a manageable schedule. Of course, my weekend is filling up with obligations and next week is full but...for now I have at least a few minutes to loaf.

Son continues to work full-time AND go to school. He was taking 4 classes while working 35-40 hours per week but cut back to 3 classes this semester. He decided to take 2 classes during the summer. He'll finish up at the same time and can handle 3 alot easier than 4. He continues to exert the absolute minimum effort possible in school, but I guess I'll just have to accept that. There aren't too many young men who want to finish school with NO DEBT and guaranteed employment AND he remains one of the kindest most "honorable" people I've ever known.

Nerds

I saw this at several other blogs and decided to try it.



Well, now the truth is out…I AM a nerd. Can I use that as an excuse for all my eccentricities or just a few?

Being totally honest with myself I am a nerd…in fact I was before they/we were called nerds, but I also know a lot of people far nerdier than I and far more intelligent than I. Of course, it’s a matter of social behavior more than intelligence. My entire life, I’ve liked to socialize, be around people, etc. and I get along with (almost) anyone, but I’ve always had this sense of not quite fitting in.

I’m sure it goes back to elementary school. I was lucky because I did well academically and I was fairly attractive, but I was always on the fringe. Kids would hang out with me at school, but not invite me over, or to their birthday party, etc. In HS I was a band geek. Fortunately we had a championship band that earned countless recognitions and there were actually kids who wished they were in the band too (although I don’t think any of them were football players or cheerleaders) but winning those trophies took hours and hours of practice and hard work. Band was a large clique of geeks. That clique was my lifesaver as a teen though. It gave me an identity and circle of friends that include my DH and a few people I’m STILL friends with after 30 years. We may all have been Band Geeks in HS, but we’ve done okay as adults.

I remember my son at about 5 telling me he wanted to be a Nerd when he grew up. When I asked why, he said that all the Nerds I grew up with became rich and all the “Cool Guys” (his words) were poor. A bit simplistic, but not too far from the truth. Of course, at age 20 my son is neither a “Cool Guy” nor a Nerd.

So, my two cents on Nerds.

Final Countdown

Four days until Christmas, and,

The house is decorated.
The tree is up.
Presents are purchased and wrapped. (At least those I can afford)
Cookies are baked (Most are, one batch in fridge to be baked tonight)
Traditional foods have been purchased or prepared (As much as possible)
The house is cleaned (HA! At least the living areas are!)

The only major chores left are to cook for the office party, which is tomorrow and won’t be very festive this year. The final food prep for Friday night and Saturday and my cards. Between the long extra hours I’ve been working (many 16-17 hour days) and running around doing other chores, I’ve once again not managed to get them out before Christmas. Since they had to be mailed by yesterday to be received BEFORE the 25th, my goal is to finish them on the 26th and mail them on Monday the 27th. Given my past track record, I made a point to buy some that said Happy Holidays and not Merry Christmas.

Christmas for me has changed alot the past few years. When my parents were ailing it meant trying to have a nice holiday for them at their house and still having a nice holiday for my own family. Now they are gone and having young adult children means they only ask for one or two gifts, just expensive ones. But that means one-stop shopping at an appliance/electronics store for them AND their dad this year. We no longer have my parents or my in-laws. My dad and FIL were always impossible to buy for AND my FIL’s birthday was 12/24, so that meant double the gifts for him. I certainly miss both of them, but not trying to select a good gift! We send books to all my grand-nieces and nephews. Figured some time ago that it would make a nice tradition for Aunt & Uncle to always send books… boring perhaps but reliable. They know we think of them but… My nephew lives 3000 miles away, we don’t know his kids well enough to give personal gifts, etc. and I often have to mail gifts to my niece’s children (even though they are closer) so it makes that easy too. Last year I sent Trixies to the two older girls. Thought about doing it again this year but I got no real feedback about their becoming addicted. So did something different. AND once again, one-stop shopping for six different people (they each have three kids!). Always have trouble shopping for my brother and now that our parents are gone, it’s only me to buy for him. Mentally he’s still a kid and buying a shirt or socks or whatever would be a real disappointment for him. He looks forward to a pile of packages under the tree. So he's getting a tool set, drill, warm hat/hood, Sony Walkman and a bunch of McDonald coupons. What else could I get for a 48 year-old mentally challenged man?

Baking also has become a bit simpler as my kids get older. I have a few cookies that are traditional for our family, but I’m not doing the painted ones any more. Those were so @&%$ time consuming, but the kids loved painting them. They aren’t the least bit interested in painting any more so why spend an entire day doing it by myself. Also, with less activities, I have less cookie exchanges. I had two this year I could have participated in but skipped one. Boy, did that make life easier.

So guess I’m as ready as I can be. Just wish I could be more in the spirit of the holiday. I’ve always loved Christmas, even when I feel totally stressed out about it. I love the decorations, the endless parties, the hustle and bustle of the shoppers (I even can tolerate the long lines and traffic), the wonderful church services with candles and special music, I LOVE IT ALL.

But it just won’t come this year. Initially I was afraid to spend any money, but finally decided what the heck. If I lose my job, I’ll worry about it then. I didn’t use any credit cards, etc. so there won’t be any bills coming in Jan or Feb. And the media has hounded our elected officials so much about the dirty politics that forced out my boss and other leaders, it truly would be political suicide for them to come after our department now. I figure they'll wait until it quiets down, first. Did find out that it was 5 positions that would have been eliminated, although don’t know which five. We have been forewarned that there may be personnel cuts come Jan 2006, so I guess I’ll be looking, but hopefully I’m okay for a little while. So for now, I’m trying to salvage it all and enjoy Christmas. Like Scarlet, I'll worry about it all tomorrow.

Update

I’ve been terribly remiss at posting and recently deleted several posts so it seems like I’ve commented even less than I had! Life has been totally unreal for me the past two months, leaving me feeling exhausted, depressed beyond description, and now physically ill.

Since my mom’s passing last January, I honestly fooled myself into believing that my life just might MIGHT be on track. Still don’t have any money, but I had a job I enjoyed and found rewarding and now that my kids are older and I’m not spending every weekend taking care of my folks I was beginning to actually have a social life. (My parents became ill shortly after we moved to a new state. I was just starting to feel like this was home and get active in some things when I had to resign or put everything on hold)

Why is it whenever you think things are okay….

Well the plug has been pulled on me for certain. Things are so bad at work, and I’m so paranoid about it all, I’m scared to post anything here…or anywhere. Just say that there will be MAJOR changes in my office over the next few months and right now we haven’t a clue re: what they might be. Given the current dynamics between me and my immediate supervisor, my unemployment (along with many others) is a real possibility. For now, the not knowing is much worse than anything that might occur. Once we know more, I feel I can then start making my own decisions. For now…

Thing is, with all this uncertainty, I should be working twice as hard proving how invaluable I am, but because any decisions will be based entirely on politics and now on what’s really important, it’s all but impossible to feel motivated to do ANYTHING.

There’s more to my stress than work but it’s so overwhelming I can’t begin to worry about other things! Don’t know if that’s good or bad, but that’s the way it is. So for now, I’m living day-to-day, not having a clue if I can pay for Christmas much less my son’s tuition in January.
Such is my life for now