Muse, Part II

Have scads of work to do. My office looks like a windstorm went through and tossed all the papers around, have to put together some papers, etc. before a meeting on Thursday and…..

Here I am posting to my blog.

The title of this was selected because I want to celebrate that my Muse appears to have returned! I actually finished my short story, although I never REALLY finish any story. I just give up!

I’m back to working on Beatrix. I sincerely want to finish that. Just need the time. I have plenty of time on week-nights, but I’m usually too tired to do much. I “dream up” stuff, but getting out of my chair and walking to the computer takes more energy than I want to use!

Perhaps tonight.

Birthdays

You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too--yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party.

I would like you to dance--Birthday
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance-Birthday
I would like you to dance--Birthday
Dance

You say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too--yeah
You say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.
P McCartney & J Lennon

Yep, today is my birthday. Won't say how old I am, I've stopped counting. I've thought about not celebrating, but guess I'm too selfish. Like to think that at least one day of the year is for ME,ME,ME!

Woke up to a completely empty house. Daughter is on her way home from Bonnaroo. Son is visiting a friend at S University. DH is away at work. So, I let the dog out, showered, dressed, came into work and found an email wishing me HB. I'd honestly forgotten! I know most people wouldn't believe that, but I did. Only problem is my office has a custom that you're supposed to bring in donuts on your birthday. I guess they'll get them tomorrow! Just need to be sure to remember!

Got a card over the weekend, and my DH emailed me that we're going to dinner and theatre on Friday night. That's really ALL I need. If anyone gives me a cake, I'll just eat too much. And I really don't want to "party" on a week night. Kids will both be home tonight, so I'm sure they'll have something for me. Otherwise, I kinda' like the gift of having the house to myself last night and this morning.

Just want to add one thing. I was always so pleased that I was born on Father's Day. Thanks to me, my dad became a Father on Father's Day and every 6 years or so, we had a double celebration. I was happy to share and will miss doing so when it happens again in 2008.

Whew!

Came into work this morning with a todo list I’d made on Friday, but had a NEW list provided by my boss. Fortunately, it was the same as mine, except that everything I did on Friday was a waste, since she left me instructions contrary to what I’d already completed. So, I had to hurry to get everything done before 2:30 today. It is now 2:37, so I’m done. I feel like I put in a 10-hour day and I have over two more to go.

Whew.

Had a good weekend! DH and I went to see our friends’ horse run in her maiden race on Saturday and THE HORSE WON HER RACE! SB was my dearest friend in college and lives only two hours away, but we hardly ever visit any more. We both have been F-T working mothers and our lives revolve around that. We were planning to go together to our college reunion last month, but it turned out that everyone else we wanted to see couldn’t be there, so, rather than drive 4.5-5 hours (one way) to the reunion, we’d agreed to meet up somewhere closer to home. When they found their horse was racing near our home on a weekend, we finalized plans to get together.

Background: SB & I lived next to each other for two years of college (and on the same hall the others). Each year we planned to room together the next, but never did. I honestly think we remained “best” friends because of that. Anyway, I dated my DH while in school, and SB was our maid of honor when we got married after graduation. Several years later, she married T, and DH & I drove 8 hours through the mountains in a snowstorm to get to their wedding. Anyway, SB& T have done PRETTY well financially. They now own 22 race horses, and enjoy exotic vacations, etc. that we only dream about, but SB will always be my oldest, dearest friend. T reminds me a lot of my own DH. In fact Saturday when the two men went off together, someone asked if they were brothers!

It’s always good to visit with friends.

And, a couple days ago I had a long phone conversation with my high school friend, L. Whenever I see L, I always think of the song we sang in Girl Scouts, “Make new friends, but keep the old; One is silver and the other’s gold.” I don’t see L and another HS friend, C, very often, but I always feel so good when I do see them. Just can’t decide if they’re the silver or the gold.

And so, life goes. After 20 years of never having time for myself because of kids, and 3 that were devoted entirely to my parents, I’m actually starting to have a life. Maybe!

Muse

Gee.

Several weeks ago, I actually started writing again.. No, not another report or study for work, but fiction. Trixie Belden fan-fiction. My muse was calling after a long sabbatical. I actually made some progress on Beatrix AND worked on an old story to submit for my initiation into Jix. I spent hours, a couple times staying up late into the night, creating a website to host all the stories I’ve written and I will be writing. I even created this blog. I was ready to roll (apply to join Jix and start sharing stories again) except….

My muse left.

I was so excited about the story I’ve been working on. It has the POTENTIAL to be one of the best I’ve written. AND I really, really want to finish Beatrix. I’ve sat down several times to write and….

Nothing. My brain just won’t work. I sit and stare at the computer screen. I re-read old stories. I re-read what I’ve already written on the story or Beatrix. I say, “Okay. I’m not inspired to work on the story, so I’ll work on Beatrix” (or vice-versa).

Nothing.

The only good thing about this is that I’ve yet to contact anyone at Jix saying I was preparing to submit it all. When I was in school and even now at work I always had difficulty focusing I have pressure like a deadline looming in the IMMEDIATE future. I need a deadline. Mmm…..

I WILL FINISH BEATRIX. Even if I never submit it anywhere for anyone else to read, I must finish that story just to know that I CAN do it. For now, I’ll just hold off applying to Jix.

In real life:

I had a very busy and I think fairly successful work week. Had to attend the County Commissioners Work Session AND regular meeting. I expected to just go and warm a chair, so I was daydreaming at the public meeting. My boss gave a prepared spiel, then the (citizen) Committee Chair said something. THEN the BOC Chair said, “Do you have anything to add, P?” Huh? Duh, me?” I recovered quickly and they approved our request, so I guess it was okay. Don’t know why he thought a worker bee like me should speak… Had had a series of meetings and presentations all week, none were where I could go and warm a chair. I had presentations, etc. Got home Wed night at 9:30 and had to get up at 5:30 yesterday to get to a breakfast meeting on the other side of the County. Got home at 10:00 last night after an evening meeting on the other side of the County.

And I wonder why I’m so tired and the muses won’t visit. THEY’RE probably getting the sleep I need!

Such is the life in an underpaid, overworked government bureaucrat. I don’t know why there is a perception that we are all so worthless. Most (I will admit not all) of the people I’ve worked with over the past 20 years work long, long hours for a fraction of the pay they’d get in the private sector. People say we’re protected from recessions, but the fact is, private business has down-turns and buy-outs. We have elections. New elected board: half or more of the paid staff is replaced….and in many states we serve “at the will” of the officials and are NOT protected by labor laws. AND recessions just take a bit longer to catch up with us. Economist are saying the past recession is over, but we had to make SIGNIFICANT cuts in this year’s budget and are looking at more for next year. Currently we have 4 less staff in our division than we had last summer and we’re looking at more cuts?

BUT I can sleep at night because I know that while what I do often may not be obviously so, I am making my community a better place to live. How does that compare to the guy who is in charge of creating the next odor for scratch and sniff buttons who is making 5 times more than me? Yes, one of the buttons they manufacture is the smell of gas, but get real. How does his work contribute to the future welfare of our community? And what exactly is he doing that justifies that huge salary and all those percs? (I’m picking on that particular industry because I happen to know someone who does just that and makes BIG BIG bucks!)

Maybe we could legislate some kind of bonus to people based on the contribution nade to the future of your community. Imagine how wealthy teachers, police etc would be then?

I’ll close with that thought.

Boomer and Proud of It

Rant Warning

Gee, go from a long whine to a rant. This was NOT why I created a blog!

Just read a comment on the blog of some 20-something about how self-absorbed and selfish we baby-boomers are and then another 20-something commented that he agreed. I wanted to post on HER blog, but I know it wouldn't change anyone's thinking and it IS someone else's. If this becomes TOO nasty, they'd probably just say I'm another selfish BB, so, here is what I'd like to say:

WHAT!?? That was like the straw and the camel's back. I am so @#%!ing tired of people blaming everything wrong in the world on baby boomers. I will agree with anyone who says that the Boomers pale in many ways in comparison to the accomplishments and strength of our parents’ generation, but I am so bleeping sick and tired of hearing how awful we are. We are like EVERY generation, with our weaknesses and strengths. And while time will only tell, from my perspective, the generation of 20-30 year olds is far more selfish and self-centered than my own.

First let me clarify who I mean by "we". Boomers are considered those born from 1946 to 1964, when the birthrate declined for the first time since WW2. Of course, few people consider those born in the 60's to be Boomers and I think the comments made in that blog were directed more to those of us currently in our late 40's and 50's. I was born right in the middle and I consider my life experiences pretty typical of the Boomer generation.

A little background: My parents' experiences were very typical of their generation, what Tom Brokaw termed the "Greatest Generation". Both survived incredible poverty and hardship during the depression. My dad served in WW2, and my mom was one of 1,000s of "Government Girls", young women who went to DC to contribute to the war effort by working for the federal gov't. I am married to a fellow Baby Boomer, who served in the Navy during the Viet Nam War. Neither of us experienced the hardships of our parents, but we both remember well the important lessons and values they taught us.

Unlike what I read less than a week ago, we did NOT start the Vietnam War and we were NOT responsible for Watergate. Geesh. Without going into a history lesson, the US Military was involved in Vietnam while many of us were still in elementary school, and others were barely out of diapers. Boomers were the ones who were drafted, served and DIED in that war that wasn't a war. I know it's far more complicated than this, but Baby Boomers were sent there to die by politicians and military officers who were part of the so-called“Greatest Generation”. THEY profited from that war, not the Baby Boomers. When we had the audacity to question their actions, we were called dirty hippies and were either beaten or shot when doing so.(That is NOT an endorsement of the anti-war protests, just a statement of fact.) People forget that memorable photograph taken in May 1970. It was of an officer(too old to be a Boomer) ordering the teen-aged National Guardsmen to fire upon the students at Kent State! The events of that afternoon has been compared over and over to the cultural and socio-economic gap of the Baby Boomers involved, a blue-collar vs. college, gap created by the so-called GREATEST GENERATION!

Watergate? Boomers responsible for Watergate? Let's see, Haldeman, Erlichman, Mitchell, Nixon, Liddy,..... Were any of them Boomers? Can you name one single member of the Boomer generation involved in that fiasco? We were still in school! Maybe a couple College Republican go-fers were somehow involved, but somehow it’s our fault?

Now, to the A word. Yes, I am a Boomer. We were the first generation to have legalized abortion available during our reproductive years! I will not debate that there is a connection between STD’s, break-down of the “traditional” family or promiscuity, with legalized abortion and “The Pill”. But honestly, I think "the pill" has played a greater role. AND how could anyone say that Baby Boomers are responsible for legalized abortion? When the Roe v. Wade decision came down from the Supreme Court, most of us weren’t out of school. A few could vote, but only a few; the voting age was still 21 and most of us weren't 21 yet! Prior to the Supreme Court decision, abortion was legal in some but not all states. How could a bunch of teen-agers who couldn't even vote, influence decisions made by the the Supreme Court? I don’t get it. AND, thirty years later, only some, not all of the CURRENT Court that keeps it legal are Boomers.

I will agree that Baby-Boomers are more materialistic than our parents. Our parents’ generation Great Depression experiences created a determination that their children would have all the material things that they didn't, BUT desire for material wealth doens't automatically make you greedy or selfish. You know, thirty years ago, when Baby Boomers were in college among the most popular majors were Social Work and Education. We were preparing for low paying, un-selfish careers. Even pre-law majors would debate for hours (with awe) the great American legal system, their belief in it and desire to maintain it. Today, many schools have done away with their social work programs entirely. All schoools see significantly declining enrollments in the service professions. And how many communities are crying because all their baby boomer teachers, health care people and social workers are retiring and the schools aren't providing anyone to replace them? Younger people are determined to go into computers or business to ensure they make "real money". AND law students? A couple years ago I was in a pre-law class and couldn't believe the selfishness and greed of my 20-something classmates. All they talked about was how much money they'd make as lawyers. One complained constantly about the work load and claimed I had to be cheating when I came to class prepared and my grades destroyed the "curve"! All I did was read the assigned material! Another classmate complained about parents giving her too small an allowance and not buying her the car she wanted. They had the audacity to expect her to drive a USED car! Then one day I saw her driving an almost new Chrysler convertible. How humiliating a car!

When I was an under-grad, my roomate was the ONLY person we knew (all Baby Boomers by the way) who had a car. It was a 13-year old Rambler that she had saved her own money to buy! We thought we were queens with wheels! Alas we weren't queens, just selfish self-centered baby boomers! Today, we both work in government service!

AND does anyone remember the FREEDOM RIDERS? In the 1960’s these Baby Boomers from all over the country saw gross mistreatment of their fellow citizens and tried to do something to change it. A few were killed. Many if not all were taunted, threatened and abused. Thanks to them and the unbelievable bravery of the leaders of that movement, Congress passed the Civil Rights legislation and African Americans can actually vote today. We have African American mayors, legislators and even governors. The first elected African American Governor was a Baby Boomer elected by Baby Boomers in a former Confederate state! Yep, we sure are selfish.

AND Baby Boomers may not have created the Peace Corps or VISTA/Americorps, but WE WERE THE ORIGINAL VOLUNTEERS. Those agencies would not exist today if Baby Boomers had not volunteered to leave their comfortable homes to serve in developing countries or our most blighted communities. Yes, we are being replaced by younger people now, but we started it!

Think of the world when my generation came of age: nuclear war-heads aimed at our major population centers, water and air too polluted to drink or breathe, minorities were abused, women oppressed…. As first-graders, were were taught to "duck and cover". No, boomers haven’t changed everything, we haven't changed much, but we HAVE as a generation questioned those things we saw as wrong, tried, and managed to change few. AND, Thank God, my kids don't have a clue what "duck and cover" means. And it was NOT a play ground game.

My generation has our Enron executives and our inside traders, just as every generation has and will continue to have. AND we have created an American society that is way too materialistic and far too quick to throw things away, be it appliances or relationships. BUT, we have created a legacy for the next generation to not be afraid to question the status quo and the challenge to try to do better. Those same people who are quick to criticize us, are expressing the same kinds of concerns that we expressed about our own parents. You can whine and complain about what’s wrong with our society OR YOU CAN GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Just don't blame it on the Boomers!

Only time and history will truly tell what the Baby Boomers' legacy will really be, but before you criticize us, get your facts and your own house in order!

Broken (and Unbroken) Promises

I made a promise to myself that I’d post something at least once a week and already it’s broken. Cannot believe that.

The past two weeks have been busy, but, frankly EVERY week is busy. A lot of it is my seeming inability to focus or keep organized. What the heck has happened to me? I used to be so sharp. I sometimes wonder if it’s just stress or early dementia. Probably stress, but I still worry.

I shouldn’t still be so stressed and depressed from the past year and my parent’s deaths, but I am. I still have many, many loose ends. My coping mechanism has been to ignore it and I cannot ignore things any longer. It's only prolonging the misery.

My biggest current stress is and will continue to be, probably for the rest of my life, my brother. It’s difficult to even describe him in words.
J is “retarded”. You can say he’s “Developmentally Challenged” or whatever else is the current PC term, but when he was a kid he was tested and diagnosed and was labelled “retarded” and he’s been that ever since. There is a term for what he has (Prader-Willi Syndrome), and he has classic syptoms of that condition, but it wasn't even identified until he was out of school!
It’s difficult to describe him without writing a book, but remember the Baby Huey cartoons? Every time I see my brother I think of Baby Huey; he’s shaped just like the character, he’s slow and clumsy, and he works so hard trying to get people to like him, only alienating them further in the process, and usually resulting in their making fun of him or saying mean nasty things. I have witnessed rudeness, ignorance and cruelty of people towards him since we were kids. It was always so difficult for me when I was a kid, loving him, wanting to protect my “little” brother, while at the same time being a bit embarrassed and just wanting him to be “normal”. As an adult, he often does things that make people look at us, but I’ve come to accept him and the heck with ignorant people!
Just last week, he was eating at Burger King with my husband and a woman came up to him and asked if he’d had enough to eat. They were minding their own business, just eating and barely even speaking to each other even, but it’s difficult to miss my brother and he was eating his “normal” meal. (He usually gets both large (or super-sized) french fries AND onion rings, with a minimum of two Whoppers.) That still in ABSOLUTELY NO WAY justifies or explains why that woman said that. My husband just sat up and glared at her. My brother thought she was “flirting” with him!

For his entire life, my brother has lived with our parents in the same house where he was raised, sleeping in the same 8’ x 10’ bedroom. Officially, he did not exist. My parents never claimed him as a dependent, the only time he ever contributed to Social Security was when he worked in school, and the few times he’d go to a doctor, they’d pay in cash. My mother refused to apply for any assistance (ie. Medicare or Medicaid) for him, always afraid “they’ll put him in an institution.” His entire income has been from a paper route or doing yard work for neighbors, which did nothing but keep him supplied with McDonalds hamburgers. Three years ago, my husband and I got him SSI and Medicare/Medicaid. He lost the Medicaid when our dad died because his $700/month SSI income disqualifies him. Can you believe that in the DC area, $700 is over the allowable income for a handicapped adult?

I share some of the blame as well. Not so much when we were young, I was a kid too and had enough to maintain a normal growing-up experience when the neighborhood kids knew I was "The Retard's Sister" and with the constant disruption his behavior created in the home. BUT I could and in retrospect should have been more insistant that my parents do more for him. I never did until the past couple of years when my own children got old enough to not require much from me, and it because obvious I was going to have to assume responsibility for him very, very soon.

In addition to being “slow” my brother has significant speech difficulties. To compensate, he talks loud. Or should I say LOUD? He also suffers from an insatiable appetite. He will not stop eating until the food is gone. ALL THE FOOD is gone. If you have something on your plate, he’ll ask for it. I’ve seen him eat until he throws up and then keep eating. Because he also is very clumsy and has never understood his size and strength, do I have to tell you the shelf life for anything breakable when he’s around? It’s impossible to miss him when he’s in a room, or store, or whatever. This is very typical of his condition, but it doesn’t make living with him easier.

It may not sound like it, but I do love my brother. It's hard not to, but, again, it doesn't mean I want to live with him. And should I add that all this is complicated by the fact that he absolutely hates me? When you consider his point of view, it's perfectly understandable. Growing up, I got good grades when he failed. I got tapped for honors and recognitions and went to college on scholarships, when he was bussed off to “retard school”. (That IS what the neighborhood kids called it.) I married the wonderful son-in-law and built the "beautiful house in the country" when he never left home. I had the two adored grandchildren when he had none. He has a LOT of resentment and who could blame him. Also, he has this laughingly warped sense of machismo. He’s strong coz’ he’s a man. “Girls” are weak and stupid. I doubt he’s ever seen a “girl” scream at a bug, but he thinks we all do! While he recognized our parents as authority figures, I’m his contemporary and I’m a GIRL. Because our mother also never hesitated to express her fears that he’d be sent to an “institution” around him, he probably has real deep-seated fears of whatever that is. Now that both our parents are gone, he must rely on me. And I have the power to send him to “an institution”. He has always had difficulty controlling his anger (another classic sympton) and although right now is doing remarkably well, he's a time bomb.

My husband and I worked hard to try to prepare him for our parent’s passing and to reassure him that we'll always be there "for him". We also have been teaching him some basic skills like how to fix simple meals and do his own laundry. It means he has some pink underwear and eats too many TV dinners, but he’s taking care of his day-to-day needs and he’s really proud of that. My dear hubby has been designated his guardian because of his distrust of me, but I now own his house and what money our parents left is under my control. He knows that. I have no plans for ANY of it except to provide for his care but he'll never understand that.

Gee,I certainly didn’t mean to write all this and certainly don’t want my blog to become a pity me place. But this is something that is a MAJOR issue for me right now and I’m not certain how I will cope with it, without it destroying my own life. AND this is the first place or time I’ve tried to write down or describe what I’m dealing with. I'm immensely thankful for all the great things in my life, but I have real (and I believe justifiable) concerns about the quality of my life, now that I have responsibility for my brother. I could write much more describing my concerns for the future, but for now, I deal with it all day-to-day.

It's the best I can do.

Quote for the day:

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.